do i wanna not wanna or not?

There are a few things that I have learned lately, though I doubt them all every day.

The first thing I see clearer now is that grasping for more spiritual knowledge and how-tos for enlightenment does nothing much but keep me feeling seperate from what I'm seeking.

The problem with this thing that I learned is that I love learning cool stuff and grasping for things, and I don't really want to give that up. So I give up giving up, which I think is also giving up. Good thing, too, because it was all already alright. Including the grasping and all the rest of that stuff.

The second thing that I see is that I am very scared that everyone is secretly irritated with me and that there is always something else that I could be doing. In another time, I might try to cover this feeling up with detachment and talk my way into a different belief about my habits. But right now I'm good with meeting her right on this very couch. Hello!

I am also scared that I think too much about myself all the time and that I could be another way. But I am not another way. I am this way. And what A good thing too because it was all already alright.

Another thing, a third thing is that I have becoming exhausted with all of this thinking. And I thought that I had evaded all the thinking that was hurting me through avoiding psychology and philosophy and veering toward metaphysical stuff but I have found myself back in the same corner, whoops! Only this time i have a tarot deck and am chanting heart chakra mantras on the airplane. Another day another method. So, after realizing that I had arrived back at the same place, I decided to surrender! And be in every moment for what it is and believe that I am already in the promised land.

this worked pretty good for a while until today when I rememebered this huge blissful feeling I felt after a scary trip last october. For those few hours, the feeling was living in my bed with the light between my window's double panes and there was a lot of snot in it and I was listening to lil ugly mane and bladee and looking at the album art with the fairies next to the and little serpents and everything elso that's good and bad. When I remember this feeling the last place I want to be is right here. To me, that feeling was a transmission from another place that I've sniffed a few times before and as much as it probably is just right here if I make it, I can't seem to let go of my desire for tht place to be somewhere I can get to. And in order for it to be somewhere I can get to, there must be a path, and in order for there to be a path, there must be some distance for it to be paved on. If I submitted to the belief that there is nothing but right here and now, there would be no path and there would be no place.

I know that peace comes from letting the distance between where I am and what I want desolve into nothingness, but I think I might love the distance too much to do that right now.

I feel like you'd understand and i'd like to hear back from you. fishbotheadquarters@gmail.com